ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
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Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail