I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
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kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something