If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
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[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
oh my god
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*