The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
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Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?