[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
You Might Also Like
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.