Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:

I don’t usually break into song. BUT…

Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?

What am I gonna do with a river?

Could you cry me a beer?

My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day

Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer

It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.

People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing

We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked

Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists

Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

genie: and for your third wish?

me: that you fall in love with me

[later]

me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

[Googling]

How many calories in a glass of white wine?

*45 minutes later*

[Googling]

How many calories in a bottle of white wine?

Challenge accepted.

Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.

*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*

The Pasta:

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups

When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them

Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time

Agatha Christie: hold my tea

Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny

Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works