[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,![]()
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My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
#Thanos #MondayMood
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ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.