me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
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I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?