Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
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Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Saturday
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I never know how much to tip a cow.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.