I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
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You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
“What do we want?”
“When do we want them?”
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.
And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.
Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.