I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
You Might Also Like
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.