“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
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Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I am never leaving this website
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.