the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
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her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time