honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
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My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet