my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
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For the baby who has everything
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
mood
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son: