People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
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You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
meow
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?