Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
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Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
This pepper has seen some shit
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt