That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
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Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three