I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
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I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are