“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
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Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
May never get over this
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Geez man, take it easy.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement