Geez man, take it easy.
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I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
When you’re here for the treats.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
He took my last fry, your honor
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*