HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
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Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?