Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
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dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).