Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
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(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.