With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony

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Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.


Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one


If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.


[first day as a mechanic]

customer: can i get a quote?

me: give me liberty or give me death

customer: i meant for the truck

me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out


Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.


*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*


I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.