You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
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I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
absolute chaos
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.