absolute chaos
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I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
#Caturday
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids