‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
You Might Also Like
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
channeling her this year
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.