Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
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*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.