60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
You Might Also Like
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this