I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
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I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Ken is short for chicken
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.