I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
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To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months