What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
You Might Also Like
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
a god among men
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.