My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
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The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
The Weeknd is back
Beware of the “party goblin”…
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.