me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
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How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?