He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
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WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
had to share :’)
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?