“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
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Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street