Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
You Might Also Like
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
getting groceries
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
how much for the angry fruit?
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.