a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
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If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.