You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
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I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
I’m having an out of money experience.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.