Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
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The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
u guys got any snacks onboard here
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.