Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
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My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter