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My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
When can I start eating bats again.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.