thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
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Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.