Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
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Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Best misinterpreted text ever!
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.