Aw man, but that’s the best part
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[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Dance like you’re not the father
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.