Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
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I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.