Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
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Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”