elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
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I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England