If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
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I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.