In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
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I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again