IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
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Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails